It’s OK to go to bed angry

 

Feature Article

 

It’s OK to go to bed angry

Linda Geist, Writer, Extension Communications; Story
source: Jacquelyn Benson, Assistant Professor & State Specialist in
Gerontology, University of Missouri Extension

 

“Don’t go to bed angry.”

 

The saying may be one of the oldest pieces of relationship advice
still in circulation. It goes back at least to the Book of Ephesians
in the New Testament: “Don’t let the sun go down while you are still
angry.”

 

But it may not always be the best advice, says University of Missouri
Extension gerontology specialist Jacquelyn Benson.

 

Benson recommends that couples sleep on it. Put your anger on pause
overnight.

 

“Sleeping on it” is helpful because the part of our brain responsible
for judgment and self-control functions poorly when we are tired and
in need of sleep, she says.

 

“Going to sleep and readdressing the problem the next day when our
minds are rested is better than staying up until the wee hours of the
morning to fight. We’re also less likely to trade escalating provocations
back and forth.”

 

Many disagreements occur in the evening hours, when tensions and
exhaustion can run high after a stressful day, she says.

 

Venting concerns can be healthy, but it also can anger your partner
further. Choose your words carefully, Benson says. Control the pace
of the argument and keep your voice low.

 

That might be easier if you can put off discussing disagreements
until the next day. Tell your partner that what is being said matters,
but you prefer to discuss it later. This lets your partner know that
you hear his or her concerns while giving both of you time to rest.

 

But set a specific time to discuss the issue so that it doesn’t get
buried or never addressed, Benson says.

 

Take some time to look at things from your partner’s perspective.
“Think of yourself as a third party, a fly on the wall,” she says.

 

Don’t take your anger into the bedroom. Reserve this room for rest
and intimacy.

 

Holding hands, a goodnight kiss or any type of physical touch often
helps diffuse our anger, Benson notes. It lets your partner know you
care and you’re on solid ground even when you disagree.

 

Longtime couples tend to manage conflict better than young couples,
she says. “We tend to mellow as we age.”

 

A common feature of happy couples is that they tend to let minor
things go. Benson admits this is easier said than done. “Start with
small annoyances and practice a different response. The good news is
old patterns can change.”

 

The other good news is that disagreements are normal. If you never
argue, that’s a red flag that the relationship isn’t healthy, she says.
“Someone is bottling up their feelings.”

 

Relationship experts give advice based on evidence from scientific
studies that demonstrate what works best for the average couple. “It’s
important to keep in mind, though, that none of us are ‘average.’ We
all have our own idiosyncrasies that need to be taken into account when
we make relationship decisions,” Benson says.

 

Benson conducts research on intimate relations in later life and
teaches courses on marriage, families and relationships at MU.

 

This story was originally published by MU Extension news:
http://extension.missouri.edu/n/2676

Last Updated
04/26/2016